Looking Back

As I awake this morning, I find that there are several thoughts and feelings weighing heavy on my mind and heart. I feel like my chest is just so constricted, and I know that I won’t be able to move forward with my day without letting them all out. I initially felt a little sting of sadness, based upon recent conversations I’ve had with certain people in my life, but I quickly realized one thing that’s changed within me, and that’s the fact that the sadness I feel for a brief moment fades away rather quickly. Way more quickly than it has in the past. At first, that realization was a little overwhelming to me. My go to coping mechanism has always been within the comfort of my own sadness and sulking in it for far too long. To break free of that has taken time and, to be honest, it flat out terrified me, but now I’m looking at it as positive progress and great strides that I’ve made for myself over the past few months.

I’ve been doing a lot of self reflection lately, which I feel has been a very good thing. It is also very long overdue because I neglected myself for years, which was probably one of the most incredibly unhealthy things I ever could’ve done for myself. Now, I can sit here and place the blame of my self neglect on other people and situations in my life, but it is not going to help me at all. I’d be simply making excuses for myself and not accepting the fact that I myself am the one to blame. No one else. Just me.

You see, it’s so easy to lose and neglect yourself with another person. We find some common ground with them, and immediately, we want to do everything we can to make sure they stick around and like or love us for exactly who we are. We get so attached to the idea of them and the dreams we could have together that we start sacrificing ourselves and our own happiness to make sure they’re always happy. We compare them to the idea of the perfect person that we’ve created in our head, only to end up disappointed with them in the end because that person is just an unattainable figment of our imagination. We push other people away and sacrifice our time just to be with that one person, and in the end, you’ll realize that the only person you’re hurting is yourself. It’s like this constant need to impress them and strive for their attention, but those needs and desires never get fulfilled by that person. This doesn’t just apply to romantic relationships, it also applies to friendships and relationships with everyone in our lives. I say this from experience. I see it everyday in people I know. We’re all so desperate for attention and appreciation from other people that we truly forget that the two main people we should seek this attention and appreciation from is God and ourselves.

In God’s eyes, we’re beautiful and perfect in every way imaginable. The struggles we face will only make us stronger, and even in our darkest times, we will find happiness. As perfectly flawed human beings, we need to remind ourselves of this constantly. We need to do a much better job of empowering ourselves and lifting our own spirits up instead of allowing ourselves to feel completely shot down all the time. One person can say one little, negative thing and instantly, your day and your mood is ruined. You can sit there and over-analyze every thing that person said until you believe it yourself. You can choose to let it break you or you can choose to let it make you. My best advice would be to let it make you into an even stronger and better person than you were yesterday. Don’t let one person’s words get in your head and change how you feel about yourself.

I’m saying this because I’ve done my fair share of letting other people’s words get to me. Trust me, I know it isn’t always easy to just ignore them and let them go. I’m well aware of people’s opinions and feelings about my life and my past relationship with my ex. Growing up in a small town where everyone knows everyone and wants to be involved in their business doesn’t exactly make it easy to avoid the whispers on the street. The difference between me then and me now, is that…well to be blunt, I really don’t give a flying you know what about what anyone says about me anymore, and I definitely don’t hold my tongue anymore either. It’s funny how life works out sometimes, and one thing that I feel needs to be said (because I know it is on everyone’s mind) is the fact that karma’s a bitch and it will always find you, no matter how much you try to run from it. So now, I’m holding my head up high because I know my worth, and I’m not going to let anyone else’s opinions change that or bring me down. I consider that a great thing. Honestly, what good would it do for me to dwell on other people’s negative and spiteful words said about me for the rest of my life? I’m sure that would be one dark and downward-spiraling path to go down that would only lead to disaster. Sorry, but that is not the path that I’m choosing for myself.

I know people who are allowing themselves to head down that path already, and to those people, my prayer for you is that you find the strength within yourself to see your worth and potential that you can give to this world. I pray that you will find happiness and love within yourself again. It was placed within you when you made your entrance into this world, and although you’ve lost sight of it now, I promise that you can find it again. I pray that you will be able to forgive yourself for any mistakes that you’ve made and that you will be able to someday turn your self-hatred into self-love again. Remember that there’s a light within each of us that can be shown, as long as we’re willing to open up and allow it to be seen.

This is my prayer and wish for all of you today. I hope you all can see yourselves the way God always has and always will: beautiful and perfect in every way imaginable, no matter what.

Never forget that.

Love,

Jordan

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