Not Worth My Tears

As I sit here writing this, I find that my mind wants to wander in a million different directions. Then, I realize that’s absolutely nothing new. My mind always wanders. My brain is constantly over-analyzing and over-thinking EVERYTHING.

And it drives me nuts!

Why do I do this to myself? Why do I twist and turn every single thought I have into something completely crazy and unreasonable?

It’s absolutely ridiculous.

And I need to stop. RIGHT NOW.

Looking back, there was many times where I would find myself so upset over some crazy scenario that I had created in my head. There were SO many nights when I’d be home alone, crying myself to sleep yet again because he was out, doing Lord knows what, and I had no idea when to expect him home. So, of course, my mind would just wander and wander and wander. My dad did this to my mom, so I knew exactly what could happen. Fear and worry would take over. Once the tears started, and I let all of my thoughts consume me, they just wouldn’t stop. I’d make myself cry harder and harder and harder as my thoughts escalated from one extreme to the next.

And for what?

Would all of that crying somehow make me feel better? Would it help ease all of the pain and uncertainty that I was feeling?

I’d tell myself that I couldn’t stop the tears because, in that moment, I just wanted to be sad. I wanted to give myself a pity party, even though I knew that no one would hear it. No one would care.

No one would ever know.

Because I’d keep it all to myself and pretend that I was perfectly fine.

And having that mindset just kept the tears coming.

Until, finally, I’d force myself out of bed, wipe my tears away, and take a good hard look at myself in the bathroom mirror. Face completely red, eyes bloodshot, and I’d ask myself “Jordan, what the heck are you doing? This isn’t you. This isn’t healthy. Your mom has been in your shoes, and she made it through. You have that same strength somewhere within you. You can and you will do something about this, whether you want to or not. You’ve got to face your fears.”

If it was a rare occasion when he was home, I’d save my tears for the shower, so he wouldn’t see. My guard was up and bolted shut. I didn’t want to let him in. I didn’t want him to see that broken part of me, but at the same time, I was tired of crying all of the time, and SO tired of hiding all of my tears from him.

The last time it happened was my breaking point. Mentally and emotionally, I just couldn’t take it anymore. It was exhausting, and I was completely drained.

…2 days later, I left.

It’s been SO easy for me to blame him for everything. Anger just comes naturally, and he’s, obviously, been the easiest target for my scapegoating. I remember several conversations where he’d say “you’re acting like I’m doing this TO you, and I’m not.” But it felt like he was. It was hard to hear him say those words, but it was even harder for me to accept it.

Because I didn’t WANT to accept it.

I didn’t want to leave my comfort zone. I didn’t want to walk away from our life and future together that I had been picturing for so long.

But…did I really want to stay?

When I’m not playing the blame game, and I actually give myself time to think about it all, I remember that I was the one who initiated the talk that we so desperately needed to have. I was the one who stepped up and made a change, for the both of us. If it‘d been up to him, he probably would’ve just avoided it all for as long as he possibly could…because he absolutely hated confrontation.

Looking back, I’ve realized that I was the one who wanted to leave all along.

I just didn’t want to believe it then. I didn’t want to see it. I didn’t want to admit to myself that I made a mistake. I didn’t want to fail at something else in my life.

I didn’t want to back down so easily.

But, something told me that I had to, no matter how much it was going to hurt.

I finally listened to my gut.

I finally saw all of those signs that I had been ignoring for so long. It was like a light bulb suddenly went off, and, instantly, I knew that it was about damn time that I finally do something for myself for once.

And that’s exactly what I did.

By no means has it been easy. The first week was by far the hardest. I barely slept. I barely ate. I stayed in my mom’s room with my dog because I couldn’t bear the thought of being alone. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I didn’t want to do anything. I just wanted to crawl under a rock and hide away for the rest of my life.

I was a walking disaster.

I really thought it was the end of the world. Until, one day, I woke up and realized that it wasn’t. Just because he was my first love doesn’t mean that he’s going to be my last. I’m sure I’ll go through more heartbreak like this in my future. But when you look at the big picture, is it ever truly worth it to cry over a selfish, immature boy who makes you feel so worthless and unloved all the time?

OF COURSE NOT!

Because anyone who truly loves you and appreciates you for exactly who you are will NEVER make you feel that way. They’d do anything not to see you cry and everything to make sure that a smile stays on your face. They’ll make you laugh harder than you’ve laughed in years. They’ll bring happiness out in you that’s been hidden away for too long. They’ll bring life into your eyes again.

…and then it will all make sense as to why it didn’t work out with the boy you thought you once loved.

There comes a point in your life when you realize that all of the negative and toxic energy that’s been bringing you down needs to be removed, in order for you to truly find happiness again. Once someone, or something, stops adding value to your life, you’re really just wasting your time. You’re depriving yourself of the life you’re truly meant to live. You’re keeping yourself stuck. You’re holding onto something that just isn’t meant to be.

You’re more in love with the IDEA of what could be than what really is.

And once you finally come to terms with that, you’ll know exactly what you need to do. Because you know yourself better than anyone else in this world, and you’ll be damned if you shed one more tear over the first guy who broke your heart. You know exactly what you deserve, and you’ll never settle for anything less ever again.

carrie

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