As I wake up this morning, reflecting on my life lately, I feel incredibly blessed. I was extremely hesitant to share my thoughts and feelings with everyone, but the positive support and encouragement that I’ve received so far is just outright amazing! I’ve never really considered myself to be the kind of girl who wears her heart on her sleeve. I usually tend to hide all of my feelings behind a smile, and I’m infamous for always saying, “I’m okay,” even when deep down, I’m really not. I guess I feel like if I say it enough, I’ll actually start believing it myself or, at the very least, make other people believe it. I’ve realized that I can’t hide my feelings anymore. I can’t keep them bottled up inside all the time. It does more harm than good, and lately, it’s been extremely overwhelming (and flat out exhausting) to keep convincing myself that doing so is going to help me make it through this grieving process.
…and that’s one of the main reasons why I decided to start writing again.
Truth be told, I’m the type of person who loves and gives all of their heart and soul to people, no matter what. I’m realizing now that it’s both a blessing and a curse to be that way. It’s a blessing because I always look for the good in people, and I strive to help them be the best person possible for themselves. It’s a curse because I always end up getting hurt and disappointed so much more than I should be. I get pushed around, taken for granted, disrespected and never appreciated. I don’t understand it.
How can someone who tries to do so well get treated so badly? And why do the selfish, inconsiderate people who do all of the hurting never truly understand the lasting effects that their actions (or extreme lack thereof) can have on a person?
Let me continue on by saying that I’ve been hurt quite a few times in my life by people who I trusted wholeheartedly and thought could never disappoint me in a million years. As it turns out, I couldn’t have been more wrong. Each time, I realized I lost a piece of myself, and the walls that I’ve had built up for so long just kept getting reinforced and stronger with every new heartache.
…My world was first shattered at the age of 5 when the 2 people who I thought I could count on more than anything in this world ended their marriage and broke my family apart. That in itself was terrifying and heart-breaking. It was also the start of my walls being built, my go-to safe haven of shutting people out, and never fully being able to trust anyone who could possibly come into my life. Throw in a few more years, losing “best friends” that I thought I’d always be able to count on, and the stupid boy who ripped my heart out of my chest and broke it into a million pieces, and there you have it. All of my scars and battle wounds out there for the world to see.
I’ve loved someone for nearly the past 7 years of my life, and he hurt me in more ways than I ever could’ve imagined. I know that I deserve so much better than him, and I can honestly say now that he NEVER EVER deserved me. Sometimes, I tell myself that I wish I could take it all back, but then I realize that there’s no sense in regretting anything because, at one point, it was exactly what I wanted. I just wish that I could forgive him and forget him. Forever.
Easier said than done though, right?
These past few months have been an emotional roller coaster. An absolute train wreck. I keep telling myself that I’m going to be okay, and that I will come out of this a much stronger person. I find comfort in knowing that God is allowing me to go through this because He clearly has a better plan for me.
Although I find comfort in God, I also find encouragement from so many people in my life. I’m not afraid to admit the fact that I see a counselor. I’m not afraid to admit that I’m perfectly flawed, but I’m also becoming stronger every single day, and I couldn’t be more proud of myself for that. The truth is, is that it’s becoming so much easier for me to look myself in the mirror and say “you’re a really good person, and you’re not going to settle for anything less than you deserve.”
I’m realizing that self pep talks are key, and it’s what is helping me get through this. It doesn’t matter how many people tell me how great of a person I am, how beautiful I am, or how smart I am. What matters is the realization that their compliments don’t mean a thing to me until I truly start believing them for myself.
Trust me when I say that you CANNOT be your own worst enemy.
…it eats away at you and takes an extreme toll on you, physically, mentally and emotionally. It makes you hate yourself, then it forces you to get even more frustrated with yourself because you hate hating yourself. It’s NOT healthy.
So, smile and tell yourself that everything is going to be okay. Remind yourself of the amazing people that you do have in your life that truly know your worth. They’re the ones who matter, and they’re the ones who will ALWAYS be by your side, no matter what. You’ll soon find out that you’ll have more love and support than that stupid boy could ever give you.
You’ll realize that HIS LOSS is everyone else’s gain.
…and maybe, one day, you’ll be able to thank him for being the biggest disappointment ever in your life. After all, he turned out to be the one who gave you the strength and courage to persevere. A strength and courage that you never really knew you had.