The Downfall

It started with a letter that I wrote to him. I poured my heart and soul out in that letter, and within 2 seconds of him reading it, the tears were already falling down his face.

 …It ended with me walking away from the life I had built with the boy who I had been with for the past 6 1/2 years. I remember the look on his face when I started packing up my things. I remember him just sitting there on the couch, so still, his eyes following me as I went back and forth gathering my things from the room we once shared together to my car. I remember him stopping me as I tried to leave. He hugged me so tightly and cried on my shoulder harder than I’d ever seen him cry before. I just stood there. I didn’t cry. I didn’t hug him back. I didn’t say a word. I just turned my head and walked away. I remember the look on his face and the way he just stood there, motionless, hand still on the door, while he watched me drive away. I remember thinking to myself “how did we get here? How could this happen?” Then, I found myself making the all too familiar ride back home to my mom’s house. I cried so hard during that 15 minute drive, that I’m truly surprised I didn’t lose focus and crash.

I was suddenly so lost and confused. I was scared. My whole world had just shattered into a million pieces, and I couldn’t understand why. I kept asking myself what I did wrong. What did I do to make him treat me this way? Am I really a bad person? Am I really all those mean and negative things he says I am? Am I not good enough? It was like he had turned into a complete stranger, and when I looked in to his eyes, I didn’t even recognize him anymore. It was a terrible feeling.

I remember later asking him if there was someone else. I remember believing him when he said there wasn’t. He had the typical cliche reasoning of “it’s not you, it’s me.” I believed him, but my gut instinct told me otherwise.

…Just in case you’re wondering how to lose the girl you love for good, I promise, if you do these things, she’ll be gone forever and will never look back:

Keep your options open from day one. By that, I mean, talk to other girls whenever you can and convince yourself that there’s nothing wrong with it.

– Tell those girls about your relationship. Give them a way in, let them see your vulnerability. They’ll jump on that in a second. Be a COWARD who’s too damn AFRAID to actually talk to your girlfriend about your relationship.

– Treat her like an OPTION. Make her feel like she’s not worthy of your time, respect, or your love. Never thank her for anything she does for you. Choose your friends and co-workers (especially if they’re girls) over her.

Make her promises you can’t keep. Fill her head with hopes and dreams of the future, then tell her you’re just confused and don’t know what you want. Tell her she’s a liar when she says you’re scared of commitment. Lie to yourself about that and try to convince yourself otherwise.

– When you’re with her, completely ignore her. Clearly your phone is more important than she is.

– After she’s had a very stressful day at work and all she wants is to enjoy a nice evening with you, tell her you’re going to the mall with another girl the following day. Get mad at her, yell at her, and tell her how much you can’t stand her trying to “control your life”. Tell her how you think the two of you are becoming your parents. Don’t even try to UNDERSTAND why she’s upset in the first place. Just storm out, drive away in your truck and avoid her for the next few hours. Then, wake up the next morning and tell her everything’s fine.

Cut her down. Stop supporting her dreams. Tell her she’s too quiet, too boring, and doesn’t know how to have fun. Be that negative voice in the back of her head that will always kick her when she’s down.

Make plans with her. Tell her how much you love her, want her back, and that you made a huge mistake. Cancel those plans (literally the next day) and go ahead with your plans with another girl….Remember how you said there wasn’t anyone else?

Do those things, and you’ll show her your true colors. You’ll show her just how selfish and inconsiderate you are, always have been, and always will be.

I’d be lying if I said there isn’t a part of me that’s still a little angry. I’m hurt. However, he’s not the entire reason for my anger. I have to take responsibility, too. I allowed these things to happen for SO long. I allowed him to take me for granted. I allowed him to disrespect me. I allowed him to make me an option in his life and never a priority. I contributed to his selfish ways.

Somewhere along the lines, I forgot who I was. I lost myself with him. I was more concerned about making sure that he was happy, that I forgot about making myself happy. I dismissed other people’s comments when they questioned if I truly loved him, if I was really happy, and if that was what I really wanted. I ignored those little signs when he would ask me if I really loved him, I’d say yes, but, in the back of my mind, I always asked myself “but do you really?” I ignored my conscience and my gut. I convinced myself that I didn’t deserve better. I convinced myself that some of the things he did were normal, and that I deserved it.

 I NEVER STOOD UP FOR MYSELF.

…and that makes me SO angry.

Don’t EVER forget who you truly are as a person. Remind yourself that you’re so much stronger than that. Always tell yourself that you deserve BETTER, and most importantly….

NEVER EVER SETTLE!

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

Remind yourself that you’re a good person and that you have good things going for you. Surround yourself with positive people. Never forget that you control how other people’s actions and words affect you. Once you realize this, you’ll see just how empowering it really is.

God put you on this Earth for a reason, and He’s going to make you go through intense heartache and hardships to allow you to grow even stronger as a person. Remember that God will never give you anything you can’t handle.

“She is clothed in strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.” – Proverbs 31:25

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4 thoughts on “The Downfall

  1. Dena Simoneaux says:

    jordan,

    This rings so true in some areas for me as I just broke up with a Boyfriend and some of those things you mentioned were exactly why!

    I can totally understand and feel your pain, as I went through this 3 weeks ago.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you and stay strong!! Be your wonderful self and if a man does not like you for you…do not whatever you do, change for him.
    I have known this for ever bit for some reason I needed to lean that lesson again!

    I would also add to your list of how to lose your girlfriend, this:

    Control your girlfriend and tell her how she has to think, speak, what she is allowed to say and what she is not, and never ever listen to what she has to say. Tell her that her feelings are her perspective and that her feelings and perspectives are a problem.

    Tell her that she can not be a mother when her kids are not with her and tell her that what needs to be discussed with their dad is “not needed…” Tell her that she cannot respond to his phone calls or text messages.

    Cut her down by telling her that her feelings mean nothing but at the same time hug her and tell her sweet things and how much you love her…

    Keep these things up and she will also leave!!

    Jordan, I am so sorry you went through that!! But you are right, God does not give us anything we cannot handle and we are so much smarter and Stronger on the tail end of the relationships.

    So proud of you Jordan!!

    Like

    • A Beautiful Disaster says:

      Thank you. I’m sorry you’ve been going through this, too. I know how hard it’s been for me, but I can’t imagine going through it with children. I have the utmost respect for women like you. Somehow, no matter how much you’re hurting, you manage to pick up the pieces, move forward, and stay strong for your kids. That’s so amazing to me.

      I can’t say that I’ve experienced the things you mentioned in your list, but I can most certainly relate. The hurt and the pain sucks tremendously, but remember that without suffering there’d be no compassion. It’ll only make us stronger in the end. Keep your head up ❤

      Like

    • A Beautiful Disaster says:

      Thank you so much. For the first time in my life, I’m finally starting to see myself how everyone else always has. I don’t know exactly why I had such a hard time seeing it before, but I am so happy that I see it now. Love you ❤

      Like

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