A Letter From The Girl You Lost

“So this letter is dedicated maybe not to you but to the me that believed in everything that you said was true and failed to see the truth. This letter is to the me that got left behind because she felt less than every step of the way.”

Sometimes, the writers at Thought Catalog just get me, and this….well this is perfection. Just read it:

http://thoughtcatalog.com/seema-kapoor/2014/12/a-letter-from-the-girl-you-lost/

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Season’s Greetings

Happy Sunday Y’all! 🙂

I know it’s been some time since I last posted. With the holidays upon us, I’ve been one very busy girl. Between celebrating birthdays and getting together with family and friends, I’ve literally been non-stop. I can barely take some time to breathe.

…but even though I’ve been really busy, I’ve honestly been enjoying every single minute of it!

For awhile there, I was absolutely dreading Christmas, considering it will be my first one alone in literally 7 years, but now, I’m surprised to say that I’m actually really looking forward to it! I can’t wait to spend time with all of my family, and I’m so glad that I’ll finally have a chance to relax for a few days, without the stresses of work. Plus, we’re doing things a little different this year, which is pretty awesome, in my book. Change is exactly what I need right now, so I’m all for it!

I’m also really looking forward to 2015. I expect to make some big changes and decisions in my life, but I’m not rushing into any of that right now. I’m just really getting excited about all the different kind of possibilities I’m now facing. It’s just a matter of figuring out exactly which path I’d like to take. But don’t worry, I will keep all of you posted on all of that when the time comes 🙂

For now, I’m just continuing to surround myself with all of those super amazing people in my life who keep me grounded and make me so happy. They’re seriously the best and such an incredible blessing! I don’t know how many times I can say that to prove my point, but it’s true. To all of you amazing people (I’m pretty sure you all know exactly who you are), I love each and everyone of you dearly, and I’m so grateful that you are all part of my life 🙂

So, with that being said, I just want to take this time to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! I hope all of you will cherish the time you spend with your family and friends this holiday season!

To those of you who will be celebrating the holidays this year without a loved one, I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I hope that you will be able to find a reason to smile this Christmas, whether it’s laughing at a funny gift you may receive or seeing the joy and happiness on your friends’ and family’s faces. I pray that you will be able to find peace this Christmas, and all year long.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everyone!

I’ll be back after the craziness of the holiday season is over 🙂

Love,

Jordan

Not Worth My Tears

As I sit here writing this, I find that my mind wants to wander in a million different directions. Then, I realize that’s absolutely nothing new. My mind always wanders. My brain is constantly over-analyzing and over-thinking EVERYTHING.

And it drives me nuts!

Why do I do this to myself? Why do I twist and turn every single thought I have into something completely crazy and unreasonable?

It’s absolutely ridiculous.

And I need to stop. RIGHT NOW.

Looking back, there was many times where I would find myself so upset over some crazy scenario that I had created in my head. There were SO many nights when I’d be home alone, crying myself to sleep yet again because he was out, doing Lord knows what, and I had no idea when to expect him home. So, of course, my mind would just wander and wander and wander. My dad did this to my mom, so I knew exactly what could happen. Fear and worry would take over. Once the tears started, and I let all of my thoughts consume me, they just wouldn’t stop. I’d make myself cry harder and harder and harder as my thoughts escalated from one extreme to the next.

And for what?

Would all of that crying somehow make me feel better? Would it help ease all of the pain and uncertainty that I was feeling?

I’d tell myself that I couldn’t stop the tears because, in that moment, I just wanted to be sad. I wanted to give myself a pity party, even though I knew that no one would hear it. No one would care.

No one would ever know.

Because I’d keep it all to myself and pretend that I was perfectly fine.

And having that mindset just kept the tears coming.

Until, finally, I’d force myself out of bed, wipe my tears away, and take a good hard look at myself in the bathroom mirror. Face completely red, eyes bloodshot, and I’d ask myself “Jordan, what the heck are you doing? This isn’t you. This isn’t healthy. Your mom has been in your shoes, and she made it through. You have that same strength somewhere within you. You can and you will do something about this, whether you want to or not. You’ve got to face your fears.”

If it was a rare occasion when he was home, I’d save my tears for the shower, so he wouldn’t see. My guard was up and bolted shut. I didn’t want to let him in. I didn’t want him to see that broken part of me, but at the same time, I was tired of crying all of the time, and SO tired of hiding all of my tears from him.

The last time it happened was my breaking point. Mentally and emotionally, I just couldn’t take it anymore. It was exhausting, and I was completely drained.

…2 days later, I left.

It’s been SO easy for me to blame him for everything. Anger just comes naturally, and he’s, obviously, been the easiest target for my scapegoating. I remember several conversations where he’d say “you’re acting like I’m doing this TO you, and I’m not.” But it felt like he was. It was hard to hear him say those words, but it was even harder for me to accept it.

Because I didn’t WANT to accept it.

I didn’t want to leave my comfort zone. I didn’t want to walk away from our life and future together that I had been picturing for so long.

But…did I really want to stay?

When I’m not playing the blame game, and I actually give myself time to think about it all, I remember that I was the one who initiated the talk that we so desperately needed to have. I was the one who stepped up and made a change, for the both of us. If it‘d been up to him, he probably would’ve just avoided it all for as long as he possibly could…because he absolutely hated confrontation.

Looking back, I’ve realized that I was the one who wanted to leave all along.

I just didn’t want to believe it then. I didn’t want to see it. I didn’t want to admit to myself that I made a mistake. I didn’t want to fail at something else in my life.

I didn’t want to back down so easily.

But, something told me that I had to, no matter how much it was going to hurt.

I finally listened to my gut.

I finally saw all of those signs that I had been ignoring for so long. It was like a light bulb suddenly went off, and, instantly, I knew that it was about damn time that I finally do something for myself for once.

And that’s exactly what I did.

By no means has it been easy. The first week was by far the hardest. I barely slept. I barely ate. I stayed in my mom’s room with my dog because I couldn’t bear the thought of being alone. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I didn’t want to do anything. I just wanted to crawl under a rock and hide away for the rest of my life.

I was a walking disaster.

I really thought it was the end of the world. Until, one day, I woke up and realized that it wasn’t. Just because he was my first love doesn’t mean that he’s going to be my last. I’m sure I’ll go through more heartbreak like this in my future. But when you look at the big picture, is it ever truly worth it to cry over a selfish, immature boy who makes you feel so worthless and unloved all the time?

OF COURSE NOT!

Because anyone who truly loves you and appreciates you for exactly who you are will NEVER make you feel that way. They’d do anything not to see you cry and everything to make sure that a smile stays on your face. They’ll make you laugh harder than you’ve laughed in years. They’ll bring happiness out in you that’s been hidden away for too long. They’ll bring life into your eyes again.

…and then it will all make sense as to why it didn’t work out with the boy you thought you once loved.

There comes a point in your life when you realize that all of the negative and toxic energy that’s been bringing you down needs to be removed, in order for you to truly find happiness again. Once someone, or something, stops adding value to your life, you’re really just wasting your time. You’re depriving yourself of the life you’re truly meant to live. You’re keeping yourself stuck. You’re holding onto something that just isn’t meant to be.

You’re more in love with the IDEA of what could be than what really is.

And once you finally come to terms with that, you’ll know exactly what you need to do. Because you know yourself better than anyone else in this world, and you’ll be damned if you shed one more tear over the first guy who broke your heart. You know exactly what you deserve, and you’ll never settle for anything less ever again.

carrie

Believer

To say that 2014 is a year that I would love to forget is an understatement. I’ve been beating myself up so much lately, and there have been times when I’ve literally just wanted to give up on everything. I mean everything. I’m talking about times when I seriously couldn’t picture myself being able to make it through all of this pain. All of this hurt. All of this disappointment. This downfall has opened up some old wounds that I’ve never fully dealt with…wounds that I’ve been successfully avoiding for years. Add all of that on top of everything else that I’ve been going through, and it’s just a disaster waiting to happen.

I didn’t just hit rock bottom over these past few months, I crashed hard…and incredibly fast.

But, even in my darkest days, I’ve had so many amazing and supportive people who were right there to pick me back up and never let me fall. These are people that have always believed in me, and people who never have, and never will, give up on me. One of those amazing people is constantly reminding me that there are brighter days ahead. Whether it’s a text to see how I’m doing or sending me inspiring words, she makes sure to pull me out of whatever rock I’m trying to crawl under.

And yesterday, just when I felt a brief moment of another possible breakdown coming on, she sent me this: http://www.handsfreemama.com/2014/12/15/if-2014-tried-you-or-tested-you-do-this/

And it put so many things into perspective. This year has been trying in SO many different ways, but somehow, I’m able to take a step back and remind myself that:

I could’ve given up, but I didn’t.

I could’ve let go, but I didn’t.

I held on. For dear life.

and I’m still here. I’m still surviving. I’m making it without the one person who I used to think that I could never live without, and I’m okay because for the first time in a very long time, I feel like I can finally be myself again. I’m finding out exactly who I am and what I want out of life, without the influence of someone else, and it’s strangely comforting and empowering. I’m finding out that I am the only one who can control my life and my happiness.

That’s such a rewarding feeling.

I encourage anyone who has been going through some hard times this year (or ever) to read that article. It was exactly what I needed to hear in a moment when I seriously doubted myself, and it’s a reminder that I’m not alone. Everyone goes through hard times, some way worse than others, but we can all find the strength to make it through, even when it seems utterly impossible.

Because we’re all worth it.

We’re all fighters.

We’re all SURVIVORS.

…and we deserve to be happy. We deserve to be at peace. We deserve to be grateful for the lives we live; no matter how many times our hearts have been broken.

I’m not sure whom to credit for this quote, but I feel that it’s nothing short of amazing, and it’s something that is great for everyone to remember:

“You are not done yet. Nowhere close to being finished. Pick yourself up. Dust off the negativity and get back at it today knowing and believing God has a plan for your life.”

I found that quote in one of the many instances when I was crying hysterically, alone in my room. My tears subsided almost instantly after reading it. It felt like one of those moments when God was giving me a sign. Like he was telling me “you can’t give up now. You’re so much better than this, and I’m going to make sure that everything is okay. I just need you to trust me.”

I immediately felt so comforted.

I began saying that quote to myself over and over again because it is so incredibly true. You can spend every hour of every day feeling sorry for yourself or being sad or angry, but if you dwell on that for too long, it’s going to consume you and the outcome will NOT be pretty. It’ll prevent you from moving forward. It’ll hold you back.

…it will keep you stuck in the past.

And that’s not something you really want for yourself, is it?

Embrace your life for exactly what it is, flaws and all. Use whatever hard times you’re going through and turn it into something POSITIVE. Focus on all of the good that you have in your life. It’ll overcome the bad. Realize that your hard times could very well be a blessing in disguise, a sign of greater things to come. God knows exactly what He’s doing, and He’s not going to be the one to let you fall. He will never allow that to happen because He believes in you. Your family believes in you. Your true friends believe in you. Everyone believes in you.

And it’s about time that you start believing in yourself.

BECAUSE YOU’RE WORTH IT.

And don’t you ever forget it. 

Stronger

As I wake up this morning, reflecting on my life lately, I feel incredibly blessed. I was extremely hesitant to share my thoughts and feelings with everyone, but the positive support and encouragement that I’ve received so far is just outright amazing! I’ve never really considered myself to be the kind of girl who wears her heart on her sleeve. I usually tend to hide all of my feelings behind a smile, and I’m infamous for always saying, “I’m okay,” even when deep down, I’m really not. I guess I feel like if I say it enough, I’ll actually start believing it myself or, at the very least, make other people believe it. I’ve realized that I can’t hide my feelings anymore. I can’t keep them bottled up inside all the time. It does more harm than good, and lately, it’s been extremely overwhelming (and flat out exhausting) to keep convincing myself that doing so is going to help me make it through this grieving process.

 …and that’s one of the main reasons why I decided to start writing again.

Truth be told, I’m the type of person who loves and gives all of their heart and soul to people, no matter what. I’m realizing now that it’s both a blessing and a curse to be that way. It’s a blessing because I always look for the good in people, and I strive to help them be the best person possible for themselves. It’s a curse because I always end up getting hurt and disappointed so much more than I should be. I get pushed around, taken for granted, disrespected and never appreciated. I don’t understand it.

How can someone who tries to do so well get treated so badly? And why do the selfish, inconsiderate people who do all of the hurting never truly understand the lasting effects that their actions (or extreme lack thereof) can have on a person?

Let me continue on by saying that I’ve been hurt quite a few times in my life by people who I trusted wholeheartedly and thought could never disappoint me in a million years. As it turns out, I couldn’t have been more wrong. Each time, I realized I lost a piece of myself, and the walls that I’ve had built up for so long just kept getting reinforced and stronger with every new heartache.

My world was first shattered at the age of 5 when the 2 people who I thought I could count on more than anything in this world ended their marriage and broke my family apart. That in itself was terrifying and heart-breaking. It was also the start of my walls being built, my go-to safe haven of shutting people out, and never fully being able to trust anyone who could possibly come into my life. Throw in a few more years, losing “best friends” that I thought I’d always be able to count on, and the stupid boy who ripped my heart out of my chest and broke it into a million pieces, and there you have it. All of my scars and battle wounds out there for the world to see.

I’ve loved someone for nearly the past 7 years of my life, and he hurt me in more ways than I ever could’ve imagined. I know that I deserve so much better than him, and I can honestly say now that he NEVER EVER deserved me. Sometimes, I tell myself that I wish I could take it all back, but then I realize that there’s no sense in regretting anything because, at one point, it was exactly what I wanted. I just wish that I could forgive him and forget him. Forever.

Easier said than done though, right?

These past few months have been an emotional roller coaster. An absolute train wreck. I keep telling myself that I’m going to be okay, and that I will come out of this a much stronger person. I find comfort in knowing that God is allowing me to go through this because He clearly has a better plan for me.

Although I find comfort in God, I also find encouragement from so many people in my life. I’m not afraid to admit the fact that I see a counselor. I’m not afraid to admit that I’m perfectly flawed, but I’m also becoming stronger every single day, and I couldn’t be more proud of myself for that. The truth is, is that it’s becoming so much easier for me to look myself in the mirror and say “you’re a really good person, and you’re not going to settle for anything less than you deserve.”

I’m realizing that self pep talks are key, and it’s what is helping me get through this. It doesn’t matter how many people tell me how great of a person I am, how beautiful I am, or how smart I am. What matters is the realization that their compliments don’t mean a thing to me until I truly start believing them for myself.

Trust me when I say that you CANNOT be your own worst enemy.

…it eats away at you and takes an extreme toll on you, physically, mentally and emotionally. It makes you hate yourself, then it forces you to get even more frustrated with yourself because you hate hating yourself. It’s NOT healthy.

So, smile and tell yourself that everything is going to be okay. Remind yourself of the amazing people that you do have in your life that truly know your worth. They’re the ones who matter, and they’re the ones who will ALWAYS be by your side, no matter what. You’ll soon find out that you’ll have more love and support than that stupid boy could ever give you.

You’ll realize that HIS LOSS is everyone else’s gain.

…and maybe, one day, you’ll be able to thank him for being the biggest disappointment ever in your life. After all, he turned out to be the one who gave you the strength and courage to persevere. A strength and courage that you never really knew you had.

The Downfall

It started with a letter that I wrote to him. I poured my heart and soul out in that letter, and within 2 seconds of him reading it, the tears were already falling down his face.

 …It ended with me walking away from the life I had built with the boy who I had been with for the past 6 1/2 years. I remember the look on his face when I started packing up my things. I remember him just sitting there on the couch, so still, his eyes following me as I went back and forth gathering my things from the room we once shared together to my car. I remember him stopping me as I tried to leave. He hugged me so tightly and cried on my shoulder harder than I’d ever seen him cry before. I just stood there. I didn’t cry. I didn’t hug him back. I didn’t say a word. I just turned my head and walked away. I remember the look on his face and the way he just stood there, motionless, hand still on the door, while he watched me drive away. I remember thinking to myself “how did we get here? How could this happen?” Then, I found myself making the all too familiar ride back home to my mom’s house. I cried so hard during that 15 minute drive, that I’m truly surprised I didn’t lose focus and crash.

I was suddenly so lost and confused. I was scared. My whole world had just shattered into a million pieces, and I couldn’t understand why. I kept asking myself what I did wrong. What did I do to make him treat me this way? Am I really a bad person? Am I really all those mean and negative things he says I am? Am I not good enough? It was like he had turned into a complete stranger, and when I looked in to his eyes, I didn’t even recognize him anymore. It was a terrible feeling.

I remember later asking him if there was someone else. I remember believing him when he said there wasn’t. He had the typical cliche reasoning of “it’s not you, it’s me.” I believed him, but my gut instinct told me otherwise.

…Just in case you’re wondering how to lose the girl you love for good, I promise, if you do these things, she’ll be gone forever and will never look back:

Keep your options open from day one. By that, I mean, talk to other girls whenever you can and convince yourself that there’s nothing wrong with it.

– Tell those girls about your relationship. Give them a way in, let them see your vulnerability. They’ll jump on that in a second. Be a COWARD who’s too damn AFRAID to actually talk to your girlfriend about your relationship.

– Treat her like an OPTION. Make her feel like she’s not worthy of your time, respect, or your love. Never thank her for anything she does for you. Choose your friends and co-workers (especially if they’re girls) over her.

Make her promises you can’t keep. Fill her head with hopes and dreams of the future, then tell her you’re just confused and don’t know what you want. Tell her she’s a liar when she says you’re scared of commitment. Lie to yourself about that and try to convince yourself otherwise.

– When you’re with her, completely ignore her. Clearly your phone is more important than she is.

– After she’s had a very stressful day at work and all she wants is to enjoy a nice evening with you, tell her you’re going to the mall with another girl the following day. Get mad at her, yell at her, and tell her how much you can’t stand her trying to “control your life”. Tell her how you think the two of you are becoming your parents. Don’t even try to UNDERSTAND why she’s upset in the first place. Just storm out, drive away in your truck and avoid her for the next few hours. Then, wake up the next morning and tell her everything’s fine.

Cut her down. Stop supporting her dreams. Tell her she’s too quiet, too boring, and doesn’t know how to have fun. Be that negative voice in the back of her head that will always kick her when she’s down.

Make plans with her. Tell her how much you love her, want her back, and that you made a huge mistake. Cancel those plans (literally the next day) and go ahead with your plans with another girl….Remember how you said there wasn’t anyone else?

Do those things, and you’ll show her your true colors. You’ll show her just how selfish and inconsiderate you are, always have been, and always will be.

I’d be lying if I said there isn’t a part of me that’s still a little angry. I’m hurt. However, he’s not the entire reason for my anger. I have to take responsibility, too. I allowed these things to happen for SO long. I allowed him to take me for granted. I allowed him to disrespect me. I allowed him to make me an option in his life and never a priority. I contributed to his selfish ways.

Somewhere along the lines, I forgot who I was. I lost myself with him. I was more concerned about making sure that he was happy, that I forgot about making myself happy. I dismissed other people’s comments when they questioned if I truly loved him, if I was really happy, and if that was what I really wanted. I ignored those little signs when he would ask me if I really loved him, I’d say yes, but, in the back of my mind, I always asked myself “but do you really?” I ignored my conscience and my gut. I convinced myself that I didn’t deserve better. I convinced myself that some of the things he did were normal, and that I deserved it.

 I NEVER STOOD UP FOR MYSELF.

…and that makes me SO angry.

Don’t EVER forget who you truly are as a person. Remind yourself that you’re so much stronger than that. Always tell yourself that you deserve BETTER, and most importantly….

NEVER EVER SETTLE!

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

Remind yourself that you’re a good person and that you have good things going for you. Surround yourself with positive people. Never forget that you control how other people’s actions and words affect you. Once you realize this, you’ll see just how empowering it really is.

God put you on this Earth for a reason, and He’s going to make you go through intense heartache and hardships to allow you to grow even stronger as a person. Remember that God will never give you anything you can’t handle.

“She is clothed in strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.” – Proverbs 31:25